No Excuses & No Apologies

No Excuses & No Apologies

I will never claim to be a grammar wizard. Now, I can tell the difference between a dependent and independent clause. I can diagram a mean sentence, and my subjects and predicates usually fall into line. But I also know I still make plenty of grammar and punctuation errors. Some I make on purpose, and I don’t apologize for those. But as I’ve been reading more blogs, emails, texts, and notes on social sites, I’ve realized that there are a few grammar mistakes that drive me CRAZY! Most are rules that I teach to eight year olds ever day, so I don’t think there is any excuse for getting those wrong. On that note, here is my take on the general state of grammar in the year 2009.

First things first, the things I will not apologize for…

I am in love…with the ellipsis…
I don’t know how it happened, but I have fallen head over heels for them. I’m not really sure why, but they’ve seemed to creep into my writing over the past several years. Lately I can’t even seem to write a text without including one of these three dot wonders.

Maybe it’s because I write like I talk. I just bang out the ongoing dialogue in my head. As I write I hear myself narrating the text. So when I pause, cock my head to the side, roll my eyes slightly upwards and think, I often insert an ellipsis. To me, an ellipsis indicates thinking. So obviously I’ve been thinking a lot more before I speak. I also find myself using an ellipsis to end sarcastic remarks. (Not that I ever make any of those…) How else do you show sarcasm? I’ve been trying to think of some kind of symbol that I can trademark for that.

The other way I show a pause in my writing is by using a comma. I’m a comma criminal. I know I use too many, and often in the wrong places. Whenever my internal narrator pauses (for slightly less than ellipsis time) it triggers my right ring finger to strike the comma key. I didn’t realize how many unnecessary commas I used until I got one of my favorite professors in college. She loved to cross them out with her red pen. I would get papers back with tons of neat little red X’s blotting out all my precious pauses. Then I became afraid to use commas at all. Four years of avoiding complex sentences. I don’t know how I made it through. Even after college I was still wary of them. I would try to remember the comma rules and delete the extras. But one day I decided I was over it. I like to pause. I like commas. So, I’ll use them whenever I want to. No apologies… If it bothers you, just pretend like you’re listening to me reading this wonderful blog to you, pausing gently at the commas and more so at the ellipsis.

On the other hand, there are things I won’t accept excuses for. (Oops, did I just end that sentence with a preposition?) These are the homophones. (words that sound the same but are spelled differently) I know they can be tricky, but PLEASE pay a little attention and choose the correct one. If you genuinely don’t know which one to use, I teach spelling every day at 2:00. I’ll save a desk for you. Anyway, here they are… my top three no excuse/homophone pet peeves:

1. Your- There are two. Your and you’re. Your means belonging to you. That is your dog. There is your house. There are your pink fuzzy slippers. You’re means you are. You’re (you are) funny. You’re (you are) not really going to wear that are you? You’re (you are) thinking that I have really lost it.

2. There- Slightly more tricky because there are three: their, they’re, and there. Their means belonging to them. That is their dog. That is their house. Those are their pink fuzzy slippers. They’re is like you’re. It’s two words- They’re (they are) going to the park. They’re (they are) eating seakitten for dinner. They’re (they are) never going to speak to me again after reading this blog. There is the easiest one. It shows direction or where something is. The cat is over there. There is the couch. There is my straightjacket.

3. To vs. too- To is another basic preposition. I’m going to the store. Do you want to come to the party? By now I’m guessing you think I should go to h… Too is used more for expression. There is too much food. That is too funny! I know you think I’ve gone way too far.

Please take note of these, otherwise I may be forced to correct your errors publicly, and that just wouldn’t be pretty for anyone. Print my little guide and leave it by your computer. Then you can refer to it next time you feel compelled to respond to my status update on Facebook.

And one more thing… it’s not punctuation or spelling. Just something else that annoys me. Please re-learn to use your shift key. You know, the thing that capitalizes letters? A key SO important that the keyboard creators put TWO of them on your board, in very convenient locations.
Ok, we can read your writing if you don’t use it, but it’s kind of like not using your turn signal. All it takes is an extra little flick. Sure you can drive/type without it, but that’s just being lazy. And everyone knows how you feel about the guy who doesn’t use his turn signal…